It’s Been Five Months

…since I made a single edit to my novel.

Most days, that fact doesn’t even cross my mind. But then, there are moments like last night, where that reality wages war on my mind. Imposter syndrome, guilt, and shame rush in.

You’re not a real writer

You don’t want it enough

You’ve become complacent

The list of self-deprecating curses and de-affirmations feels endless. Logically, I know they’re not true, but emotionally—emotionally, I want to scream.

Why have I not touched my book in nearly a half a year? For a great reason, actually: business has been outstanding. I’ve barely a free moment to myself during the workweek. My mind’s been running full tilt, and I’ve had the honor of working on some truly fulfilling and interesting projects this year—opportunities that look to continue into 2026.

But at what cost?

And is that cost tolerable?

These are pressing questions—and ones I don’t take lightly. Of all the emerging lessons over this past year, the most important is that time is my most precious resource. And while a flourishing, financially stable business is a blessing, I wonder what the trade-offs are. This has weighed heavy on my mind.

Add in the state of the world, the economy, and a healthy dose of privilege-shame, and things get mucked up in my mind fairly quickly. At times, it makes me want to tap out of everything and buy a one-way ticket to an enchanted forest, where I can wander off and build a home inside a magical tree stump.

But here I am in Chicago, thinking.

My goal is to find some time around the holidays to finalize my latest draft. From there, I’d like to commission some beta readers to have a look at this newest iteration. If that’s something that interests you, please comment or send me a note.

I’m writing this because I promised to keep you all in the loop on this (very long and winding and not at all linear) journey. And also, because I cannot be the only one who has experienced lifelong dreams get derailed, post-poned, or otherwise interrupted, even the if the reasons why are mostly favorable.

It’s also an extra beat of accountability for me. The longer I stay quiet about not working on the novel, the easier it is to continue not working on the novel. Consider this a self-interruption to The Status Quo™.

Let it also be a reframing (this part is for me). What seems like a daunting season of silence might actually be the fertile soil from which new ideas sprout. One thing that’s become, at times, painfully clear, is that being an artist of any kind requires breath, space, and living. Living is an essential part of the equation. And to people on the outside, it may look like laxness, or laziness, or lack of focus. It’s not. It’s the Lamaze of creation. The deep breathing before something new arrives.

Nothing’s ever wasted. I’m still in it. The door is ajar. And I trust that soon, creativity will find its way back in. Not everything is a stall. Sometimes it’s just a breath before the next push.

-Ashley